I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
