I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
