I seem to have left my pride at pride
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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