oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
