New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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