i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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