They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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