I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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