Well apparently he's into motor boating.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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