The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
