are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
