Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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