it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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