I think I died a long time ago.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
