probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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