The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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