I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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