My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
