I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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