These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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