Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
