All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
