I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
