Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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