Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
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New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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