I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
