she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Floor bacon is actually really good
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
