My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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