i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
