I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
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Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
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Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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