Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This house was built for laser tag.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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