Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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