How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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