I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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