Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
