i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
