I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
