Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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