I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
