I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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