I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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