I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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