September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
