You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
