You smell like stripper and shame
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
