Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
