he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
