hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
