I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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