is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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