i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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