I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
